Come Dine with Me, 1 June – 5 June 2009

I wish I had written about last week’s Come Dine with Me: it was the best week in the show’s history. It was probably the best I’ve seen in years since Nickelodeon did a seven day marathon of the first three seasons of Sabrina the Teenage Witch (they must’ve done something like that at some point).

The CDWM crew was in Dundee and St. Andrew’s to dine with two of the greatest characters the show has produced: English posh poof Adam and rough ‘n ready Dundee native…um…Oh, cock. I think his name was Donald, or Jim? Jim MacDonald? Nah, that’s not it…Clive? Chuffing hell, this’ll do my head in. Ah, sod it, we’ll call him ‘Bruce’, due to his hilarious claim that he is often told he looks like Bruce Willis. Anyway, yes, English posh poof Adam and rough ‘n ready Dundee native ‘Bruce’.

The friendship that sparked between them was utterly adorable. During the first evening, I surprised myself when I remembered that they didn’t actually know each other beforehand (Jimmy! His name is Jimmy! I just remembered that LOL!), because they clicked instantly. Their back and forth was fantastic, like when Jimmy/’Bruce’, in his thick Dundee brogue, asked Adam “Wur ye fae, ken?” Adam’s bewildered face was a picture as he spluttered on his wine and asked “What!? What are you talking about?” The banter between them was so natural that it warmed my heart. I was worried that Adam would turn out to be a snooty idiot and look down upon Oor Jimmy, so the fact that he befriended him so quickly was delightful.

The best night was Jimmy’s meal. His back garden was full of all sorts of junk, kids’ toys mixing comfortably with dumbbells and other weight lifting equipment, the entire thing either paved or covered in pebbles – I think he stayed in a not-so-tame area as well. Also, his daughter was bangin’. Then Adam showed up in white shorts and a Barbour jacket, shouting “Coo-ee!” at the front door, all inconspicuous, like Prince Edward at Mardi Gras. It was brilliant! He gave Jimmy a present as well: a big pair of silky boxer shorts. Jimmy reciprocated by giving Adam a present at his meal, but I can’t remember what it was; however, he did attend the party dressed in a kilt, so it may have been that. I felt a wee bit sorry for the other contestants, looking on with fake smiles as Adam and Jimmy passed presents between each other, and they got nothing. Laura and Francis even had to share the buggering prize money at the end when it was announced they drew.

As bizarre as it is to say, I was quite sad when the week was drawing to a close. The only thing preventing me from shedding a tear was my natural, stoic manliness. I didn’t want them to have to go, I wanted it to continue for another week, or at least a month, of just Jimmy and Adam hanging out and continuing to strengthen their friendship. One day, it could be Adam giving Jim Jiminy an etiquette lesson, and then the next, Jimmy could take Lord Toff down to his weekly five-a-sides. Adam shrieking his way out of the path of a football: Channel 4 missed a trick there. I watched the first episode of this week on Monday and was so crushed when I saw that none of the characters are half as great as Adam and Jimmy were. Four nondescript ladies who looked like increasingly bloated facsimiles of each other and a loud, camp air steward who seemed to keep trying to violate the women; I turned the TV off in disgust.

But I really feel like I know the pair of them so well now. Would it be too odd to do a pilgrimage up to Dundee and St. Andrew’s to see them both in their natural habitat? More of this please, Channel 4.