June 11, 2009 § 3 Comments
I’ve been really please with the return of Coach Trip to Channel 4’s early evening line-up this summer. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about it until I saw the first episode of this third series. A warm wave of nostalgia done came all over me, filling my belly with that snug familiarity of things you’d previously forgotten and then suddenly remembered.
And Brendan’s still there, mincing among the group with his tour guide’s umbrella and dropping lines that would be worthy of Norris from Corrie – brilliant! You can’t write a character like him. I would bet that he doesn’t get paid anything from Channel 4 for appearing on this; he probably does it all out of his love for the job. Bless his bald bespectacled head.
Unfortunately, I don’t share as much enthusiasm for his passengers. Like Tracy, the fucking bitch. I hate more than I’ve hated any person who has appeared on a reality TV programme. She’s an absolute, joyless cow and I think I’ve only ever seen her force a smile once. She’s on a massive holiday around Europe for free, so why the chuffing cock does she spend her entire time with her face tripping her? Torn faced, I’ll give her a torn fucking face. It’s not like she was one of the Original 7: she only came in on Day 3, for fuck’s sake! And now she swans around like she owns the bus, rigging the voting system and throwing orders around. I’m compelled to violence every time her mug flashes up on the screen. I felt quite sorry for her man, being lumbered with her. I thought he was a decent, hard-working bloke and would be a bit of a laugh down the boozer. However, he’s clearly a weak-willed sod and under her thumb. There are some things I don’t have time for: fools, frigid bitches, and weak men. Keep your pimp hand strong, brother. Crush the regime of Tracy the Tyrant and free yourself. Although, I suspect he’s a sweetie wife without an original thought in his head.
As for all that Voting Alliance gubbins, it’s a load of primary school tosh. Honestly, what’s the purpose of it? Tracy may be a boot, but she’s a very fucking self-aware, sleekit boot. She must have known that without a safety net, she’d be slung off the coach at the first stop. Instead, she’s ruining other people’s trip experience so she can continue being an eternally tiresome wench. She’s wanting shot, she really is.
I also don’t have any time for William and Deanne, the couple of geekish, loser miserablists. Remember when the rest of the tour group was going on the flumes? And William was giving it “It doesn’t look safe… Have Health & Safety done a risk assessment on it?” What a fucking tosser. No, actually, Health & Safety haven’t done a risk assessment. In fact, the whole thing was knocked together in half an hour by an old fellow in a shed, forty years ago. I wish he had gone on it and it was broken and he had died, because they both bore the living shite out of me.
That old bugger who is on the trip with his mum, Daz: he can do one as well. I’m sick of his crying every time he has to select a couple to be nominated. “Boo-fucking-hoo, I hate doing this bit, it’s so hard!” The only difficulty you should have with voting folk off is trying to decide which pair of cunts you’re getting rid of that day. That would be my only problem – too many to pick from. So grow the fuck up, Daz! Your mother is 73, as you keep saying, and she’s got a bigger set of testicles than you.
Then there’s the Foursome of Fannies: those two American broads and the pair of idiots who try to feel them up all the time; and the middle-class mother/daughter duo who are always either trying to be everyone’s best friends or bawling their eyes out; and that new couple of Northern lesbian sisters who spent all of their first day in Venice moaning about wanting steak and chips and said that they felt like “leopards” when they were being left out… Alright, so I don’t like any of the passengers.
The last episode came to a head. Charlie and Caroline (that’s the emotionally unstable mum/daughter duo) were voted off in a dramatic bitch off with everyone’s true colours being displayed and lines drawn. It was brilliant. Old Betty started crying when it was announced and Daz brandished a finger at Tracy: “This is all her fault!” Fantastic. I predict Betty and Daz will be told to jog on next, followed by the Northern Munster sisters. Hopefully, Brendan will swoop in to rectify the unjust workings before any more holidays can be destroyed. I look on, eager and armed with popcorn.